Musings of me & my crew

My circumstances always leave me questioning my faith. There are times where I feel strong enough to endure to see what God has on the other side for me. Then there are the moments where I can't wait, where action on God's part is immediate and it doesn't happen, he doesn't show up or show out or do the impossible and I'm told that it's because it wasn't God's time or his will for me. What's the point in prayer? What's the point in praying for yourself and even others to come out of hardships and heartache when God never intended for you to come up for air? I have so many questions and doubts about God right now that I'm tempted to use quotation marks because he seems fictitious to me. I never believed that what I was asking God for was too difficult. I knew that I needed to changing and I asked him to help me. I didn't realize that that he would load me down with such heavy burdens that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I never knew that asking God for a family, a strong family of love and security and laughter would lead to me being placed in the life of a controlling person that didn't even know how to love himself let alone love me and the child we had together. Christians tell you to praise God even in the middle of our storm. Why? Why thank him for pain? I don't want it, nor did I ask for it, but he gave it to me or allowed it to happen and I'm suppose to be thankful? Because it builds endurance or patience? The hell God? Really? I'm about to head into another storm that I'm unsure of the outcome. I don't think I can pray to God or anyone for that matter. It all seems to be just a waste of words and that saddens me because I wanted to desperately believe that God was working on the other side of the mountain and soon I would be connected again to my family even better than before and yet that possibility has dwindled and I'm still angry and over the idea that God can. He could, but he doesn't.